Permafrost
by TheLostMaximoff
Summary: Future fic. After all this time, Cisco's still looking for hope that the real Caitlin is buried somewhere underneath all that ice.


Permafrost

By TheLostMaximoff

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. I love the friendship between Cisco and Caitlin. R/R.

He knows that he shouldn't keep coming here. He's long past the point of caring. Cisco Ramon always thinks of himself as a hopeful person. He can't help being optimistic despite what's happened to those he loves. No matter how dark things get, he can't bring himself to lose that hope. Coming here tests that optimism like nothing else. Maybe it's because seeing her makes him feel like a failure. For all his hope and his talk of never giving up, Cisco still can't seem to bring her back. This isn't the same thing as Dante. Dante was a situation that Cisco had no control over or say in. Dante was something that happened. She's something different and maybe that's why it hurts him more. She's something that he contributed to and he can't escape that.

Cisco pulls up the chair that's almost completely his. He presses his hand to the glass once he opens the darkened cell of the Pipeline. They haven't had to use this place in a long time. Iron Heights got really good at containing metahumans so there was no need for the Pipeline. There's only one prisoner in this place now, hence the upgraded cell. There was no way that any of them were going to let her stay in Iron Heights. Cisco knocks his hand against the glass and waits. He can tell there's movement somewhere in the dark and it gives him a small comfort. He can't decide what he would do if one day she wasn't there staring at him from the other side of the glass.

The lights inside the cell turn on and Cisco sees her standing there. The inside of the cell is covered in ice from the walls to the floor and the furniture in between. Every movement she makes kicks up dustings of snow. He can't understand how she lives in an environment like that but he was never the biologist. That was always her job. Sometimes he wishes he could vibe the past so he could see her the way she was. Cisco sometimes wishes he had Barry's speed because there's so many things he wants to change about the past.

"Hey," he greets her as he sits down in the chair.

Caitlin Snow sits down in the chair inside her cell and stares at him. She's never very talkative and when she is, she usually doesn't have anything nice to say. The one word that Cisco always used to describe Caitlin was "nice". She was a true friend, always putting others ahead of herself. Caitlin isn't so kind anymore but Cisco knows she has her reasons why. For a long time, he joined in her anger at Barry though his was less murderous. Time healed those wounds for him. He knows that Caitlin would never say the same. He keeps hoping though that one day, his best friend will be staring back at him.

"Hey." Caitlin, though she never uses that name anymore, knows if she doesn't talk then Cisco will just keep talking at her. She learned that early on during her incarceration.

"I meant to bring you some more books." Cisco never knows how to start their conversations. "I'll get them next time."

"I have enough books, Cisco." Caitlin gestures to the bookshelf, which is surprisingly not covered in ice. "You know what you can bring me next time? You can bring me the key to get out of this damn place so I can finish what I started."

"You know I can't do that, Caitlin."

"Yeah and apparently you can't stop calling me that name. There're a lot of things you can't do, Cisco. You damn sure can't fix me so you need to stop trying."

"I can't give up on you."

Caitlin rolls her eyes at this. There are things she can't do either. For starters, she can't believe that she ever let Cisco and Barry into her life the way she did. She can't believe she could be that naive to think that it wouldn't end in pain. She can't believe she ever wanted to be normal, to live a lie. That's what sweet, innocent Caitlin Snow was with her warm and fuzzy feelings. She was a lie that Killer Frost got tired of living. She's still somewhere inside all those layers of ice but she's not so nice anymore. Barry and Cisco both made sure of that.

"Nobody's making you do this, Cisco. I know you don't give a shit about me. That's why you took Barry's side over mine."

"It's not about taking sides, Caitlin. It's about moving on."

"It's no wonder you and Barry are best friends again. You're both such great liars."

Cisco's learned to take Caitlin's words in stride. At first, they wounded him deeply and he thinks that was the point. She's still hurting him but it's a deeper pain than anything she could do with her powers. Cisco believes what he said. Life is about movement. It took him so long to understand that and, ironically enough, it was Caitlin's second descent into madness that spurred him to patch things up with Barry. He knows they can't afford to lose each other, not now.

"Is there any of you left in there?" Cisco's never asked her that question because he's always been afraid of the answer.

Caitlin is silent for a few moments, trying to decide how to answer his question. There are bits and pieces of her old self inside her. Those pieces have jagged edges though because she is so very broken. She wants to still blame it on Barry but she knows he's suffered a thousand times for that one indiscretion. Barry used to visit her but it became very clear that his presence wasn't healthy for her recovery, or whatever passed for it. Cisco's never stopped visiting her though. She doesn't know how that makes her feel because she doesn't want to feel.

"I . . ." Caitlin closes her mouth instantly because she's afraid of what's going to come out.

"Don't do that, Caitlin. Don't shut down on me."

"I really don't know." She wants to give him the answer that makes him happier but she doesn't understand why she wants that. "Sometimes yes. I read the medical journals and books you bring me. I still like most of the same foods I did. I still . . ." One of the jagged pieces of her old self stabs her in whatever is left of her heart.

"You still care about me?" Cisco knows that she's played with their emotions before, tried to reel them in so she can kill them.

"You, yes. Barry . . . sometimes yes. It's . . . it's hard for me to have feelings about things. The ones I do have are really negative. The rest of the time I'm just numb."

Cisco swears that he can see the color coming back into her skin, like maybe the ice is melting and he can see his best friend again. He wants to rescue her because that's what a hero does. He wants to save her from the icy prison she's locked herself in. There's no portal he can open to help her escape though. He can travel to any Earth in the multiverse but he can't save her.

"It's okay to feel things, Caitlin." Cisco actually gets up from his chair and walks to the glass that separates them, putting his hand up against it. "I know how much it can hurt but it's worth it."

"Is it really?" Caitlin's heard that talk before. Her grief counselor told her garbage like that when Ronnie died the first time. She wonders if her cell is the same spot where he died. She thinks there would be some poetry in that. "I thought expressing my feelings was what got me stuck in here."

"What you did was wrong," states Cisco. "What you feel though, that's not wrong. It means you're still human. You're still you."

Caitlin doesn't know why but she presses her hand against the glass and wishes that she could actually touch Cisco. She feels something inside her trying to melt. "Cisco . . . please get me out of here. I'll be Caitlin Snow again. I'll be anybody you want me to be. Please just let me out."

Cisco can see her crying, the tiny ice crystals trickling down from her eyes. He wants to hope that she's telling the truth. He wants to hope that she will be the same Caitlin Snow that he knew so long ago. He wants to believe in her the way that he used to. She's burnt bridges though, hurt people he cares about. She's carelessly discarded the trust of those she once loved. He wants to believe that she can come back from that but he's learned to temper his hope with caution where she's concerned.

"Do you mean that?" Cisco stares into her eyes and he sees a switch get flipped inside her brain.

"Forget it. You wouldn't do it no matter what I promise. Just go away, Cisco. I'm better off without any of you anyway."

"Caitlin, wait."

"Stop calling me that name and stop caring so damn much." Caitlin turns off the lights inside her cell, signaling that their conversation for the day is over. "Trust me, caring just gets you hurt in the end."

Cisco Ramon stands in the Pipeline and discovers he's the one crying now. He still has hope though. He still believes in her because he refuses to lose her. As he turns and walks away, Cisco swears he hears something. It's faint and he almost doesn't pick it up but it's there. He can tell that Caitlin's still crying, and it lets him know that the ice inside her isn't permanent. It lets him know that he'll see his best friend again someday and that's all the hope he ever needs.


End file.
